Understanding and Dealing with Parental Pressure

A lot of stress for students comes from academics and school, but do parents also feel like a cause? Do you ever feel pressured to make certain decisions or act a certain way, just because your parents want that from you? Parental pressure is simply defined as emotional stress imposed by parents upon their children. It can be related to a plethora of reasons, such as academic performance, sports, or other extracurricular activities, cultural standards, friendships, and so much more. And it can take form in many different ways as well. To put it plainly, parental pressure could either be direct or indirect. Direct pressure possibly being yelling, ordering around, threats, or force, while indirect pressure could be guilt-tripping or constant reminders of strict expectations. However, have you ever thought of why your parents might be acting this way, or how you should respond to this?

Why Parents Act This Way

Often, getting constantly pushed or negatively reinforced by your parents could cause you to feel a certain way towards them. Perhaps, anger, frustration, or genuine confusion as to why they push you so hard. For parents, they oftentimes feel as if they’re doing the right thing, that this pressure is necessary. But why? First, a potential motivation is external anxieties. The growth of AI, economic instability, rising costs, and so much more all contribute to a parent rightfully being concerned about the future– especially what that means for their child in the future. For example, concern for employment rates and earning a decent salary could push a parent into a field where they believe their children might have more success in, even if it’s not their field of interest. Yet, they might believe that earning a good salary and better career opportunities are better than pursuing an interest that might not offer as secure options as their plan, resulting in them pushing for their plan more.

Secondly, another motivation could be the way our parents were raised. They themselves might have been pressured consistently by their parents, believing that this is the norm of how parenting should be. Especially if your parents were raised in a more traditional way. Their cultural norms may be way more strict. A common example is Asian parents tending to be stricter in relation to academic pressure, or just their parenting style in general. Or, parents could’ve been raised with emotionally distant or overburdened parents, causing them to try and compensate, maybe even overcompensate. According to Relational Psych, 86% of parents reported that they pressured their kids because they wanted to be more attentive than their distant parents had been. These are two of many possible reasons why parents pressure their kids, as a result of their childhood. Remember that while you think a certain way, your parents have likely been raised with different values and don’t necessarily think the same way you do. 

Impact of Parental Pressure & Why it’s Unhealthy to Be Complacent

Now that we’ve taken a deeper look into our parents' reasoning, we should acknowledge the impact of that pressure and why it’s unhealthy to be complacent. There can be plenty of negatives that come with receiving consistent pressure. For one, mental health risks. Pressure can often lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, and even eating disorders and social withdrawal. It can also bring an excessive amount of stress to teens. And while parents have the intention of pushing you onto a path of success, if teens are pushed onto paths that don’t align with their interests, they can often underperform and be unhappy with the path they’re taking.

A toxic achievement culture can be built as well. When success and achievement are pushed as an extreme priority for students, tying their identity to achievement, it can cause students to easily think negatively about themselves, even when they’re doing just fine. The idea of “you have to achieve to matter” generates a growth in burnout, loneliness, and emotional distress. They might constantly think they have to be first, be “winning”, making everything a competition, or downplaying themselves when they don’t get what they think they need. Students might even resort to cheating in order to keep or attain those high grades.

Students might think that it’s okay to listen to the pressure of their parents, and to just be complacent to their demands, but that can cause us to lose our own identity and sense of self. If everything about you was directed or chosen by your parents, what about your own true interests and motivations? We’re unable to grow authentically and be self-aware. Even if you have little room to resist, we should still try our best to do so. Resisting passivity invites dialogue and personal direction.

How to Handle the Pressure

So, how exactly should this resistance look? What should you do to handle the pressure? Well, a key part of handling this issue is getting your parents to understand you. Often, there isn’t enough communication between parents and their children, and as a result, parents could think you’re fine with your pressure and that what they’re doing is right. Parents might not know at all what your true aspirations are, which is why it’s good for them to understand your perspective. Tell them how you’re feeling, what you truly want for yourself, and what you’re going through. Try to recognize their perspectives and either redirect them or find a compromise that combines both of your perspectives. Even if you’re still being pressured to follow a path they plan out for you, try to incorporate your own interests into it– add your own twist. Also, try to emphasize your effort over your result, as this could possibly help reduce pressure towards results. Family therapists could also be a possible solution, in order to help families understand their feelings and each other better.

Though, despite all this effort, parents sometimes are just unable to budge and see your perspective. And sometimes, this is the hard reality we have to deal with. But that still doesn’t mean you have to be complacent. You can still try your best to pursue your interests, possibly through school clubs or other external sources– not everything has to go through your parents. Little by little, you can try to weave your interests into the fixed path created for you. Especially when you’re able to gain more freedom, like in college, this can pay off, and you can take even more control of your life and your interests.

In conclusion,

Parental pressure is never really an easy topic to tackle. There’s a lot that goes into it– our own emotions, our parents' motivations, and society in general. However, being aware and educating ourselves (and our parents) on all of these helps open up our perspective and mitigate the pressure from our parents. Maybe you’ve been facing the negative effects of parental pressure without even pinpointing the cause, but being more aware of these effects has helped you realize. There are many motivations and ways to approach this topic, and I’ve only given a few reasons and solutions. To highlight and summarize my points, the reasons I’ve mentioned are external anxieties (like the growth of AI, economic instability, etc.), cultural backgrounds, and upbringings. These can all affect how our parents pressure us, because they could believe it’s what's best for us, that this is the parenting norm, or that this is how they should compensate. Potential solutions are family therapy, compromising, and making your own little efforts. Throughout all this, communication is key and allows your parents to see your point of view (and vice versa) is extremely helpful in reaching a solution. Even if you can’t get through to your parents, you can still try to stay linked to your interests through little things such as clubs or activities. Of course, it varies for every single teen: everyone’s experience is individual and different. But, through all this, never forget these few things: surround yourself with a healthy support circle, stay true to yourself and your own interests, and never lose your own identity.